Friday, 7 January 2011

This Ice Will Melt Too

Ok. I just deleted an entire post. Wowzee. Haven't done that one before. But it was just too close. Too personal. And it led me to thinking about turning this blog into a private one. But I'm not there yet, I am seeing this becoming more and more like a diary for me, but until the day I really, really feel that I just have to write something immensely personal out here, I will just keep on doing what I'm doing. 
And I'm also wondering if I should be slightly worried about the fact that for the past couple of days I've been listening to the same album over and over and over again. I'm talking about Through Low Lights And Trees by Smoke Fairies. There's something simply mesmerising, almost hypnotising about this music and I seem to be unable to get enough of it. Maybe it just fits in with January. It's just plain too cold and plain too dark out here now. Just the other day my car froze and refused to move. And when my Mother was driving us around, she managed to back into a snowy ditch so deep that my friend's husband had to get a neighbor with a 4WD vehicle to get the damned car out. And sure, some people claim to have spotted the sun, but I remain sceptical. Today I was out with the Daughter in the afternoon around three, and I saw the moon up there in the sky. Polar night, they call it. Just blasted cold, dark and miserable is what I call it. 

This is pretty much as much light
as there ever is
these days.
At midday.
Except here, the river is 
completely frozen
You can drive your car on it.

If your car is still moving, that is.

Some days, can't remember 
when was the last
time, though,
the sun is

...even if it only barely rises
 over the horizon.

So I keep telling myself that every day brings us closer to spring. Granted, it also brings me closer to something I would rather not think about right now, but sooner or later this ice will melt. The snow will make puddles for the Daughter to jump into. Icicles will drop from the eaves, and then eventually the first patches of green will start sprouting. And in April I will be one year older. One year wiser?  I wouldn't know, but time stops for no-one. Not even for January with all its power to freeze everything to the core. 

A while ago I saw a children's cartoon in which a mouse was wanting to trade places with the most powerful, the strongest thing there was. The thing that nothing and nobody could conquer. It wanted to be a cloud. No, the wind could blow it away. It wanted to be the wind. It wanted to be the sun. The moon. The earth. And it ended up being just itself, the mouse. Because nothing and nobody is invincible. There will always be something that will be stronger, more powerful than you are.  Maybe the mouse should have wanted to become time itself. It does not wait. It does not stop. And you never have as much as you think. It might be more, it might be less, but you can not know.

'' Through the coldest month
I held on to
a dying hope
that flickered in you.'
As the moon to the earth
Find a future 
I can believe.
There is a future
I can believe.''

Summer Fades by The Smoke Fairies

But until then, this is what I wear to go outside.

And this is our 'backyard' river.
Early afternoon.

But this is home. 
And it might not be all
fancy or glamorous,
but it's filled with
warmth and
things and 

And to end tonight with,
The Smoke Fairies,
After The Rain.


  1. Mulla tulee aina niin koti-ikävä kun katselen näitä sun kuvia ja luen tunnelmia. Välillä haikeita, mutta jotenkin levollisia.

  2. So...this will sound as if found in a fortune cookie. I mean it. In my humble opinion words are valuable and must hold weight, I will spend them wisely for whom I care for and hold dear.
    I believe that you are a true person. I deeply enjoy your writing . If we were to be neighbors in this lifetime..I would bake you lovely goodies so that you and your daughter could enjoy. I would love to watch a great movie,drink wine and forget what I'm saying;knowing you wouldn't mind one bit. If you were my neighbor we could run down the street and be crazy and not care what is gossiped or wear "Dottie Angel style clothes. Because, I value getting to know you bit by bit as you write from your heart; because you are authentic. And, I am glad.
    Love, Friend .

  3. Stumbled upon your blog accidentally when I was searching the internet for a picture of a 'Happy Child'. Your blog is magical! Really happy to have found it!

  4. Kiitos, U! Levolliseen koko ajan on pyrkimys, aina ei vain maailma ole ihan samaa mieltä...:)

    Elise, you lovely lady! Yes, running down the street in our Dottie Angel outfits sounds fantastic,as does everything else you said, and I really appreciate your words. Lots of love and hugs to you too, my friend. :)

    And to you 'loveoutloud', you're most welcome, I'm happy you enjoyed my little blog and hope to see you soon again. Friends, old and new, are always welcome. :)