Wednesday, 7 March 2012

Fighting A Bloody Good Fight

It's been a long time. I've been on a sick leave for a long time. Still am. For a long time. Somewhere in the world the spring has already arrived. With the earth laughing with flowers. Here were are still suspended in ice. There's more snow than I can remember there having been for many winters. Maybe it will be gone by June. Maybe. The sun is out and as it thaws the ice on the birch branches it forms into millions of little diamonds. And then the diamonds melt and drop to the ground. Is that the spring coming? The spring trying to show me in millions little sparklies that this too will pass? 

I don't know. I got a statement from a doctor saying that my memory and concentration are seriously impaired. Whether it is for now only, I do not know. I don't think they know either. So for now I just live life taking care of, well, life. As in everyday life. And all that it pertains. I am slowly easing back to cooking and baking after a long time of not being able to. It is such an essential part of me that I really, really want it back. I try to read but my memory trips me up. I have started to write. For real. There is a long story there itching to come out. I am trying to learn again to find and see all the little joys in my life. 

The doctors also say that I am depressed. No shit. Like as in severely depressed. Like the worst king of depressed there is. And then they say it's-really-no-wonder-considering-the-things-you've-been-through. And you know what? I am not at all ashamed of writing it here. Heck. Stick your little feet in my shoes and you go jump around in joy with not a care in the world. And when I go about in the outside world, I still get the but you don't look sick thrown at me all the time. Just because you can't see it does not mean it's not there. Sometimes I feel like wearing a tee with all my various diagnoses written on it. But I won't. Because regardless of the fact that sometimes, well, like now, all those pesky little diagnoses take over my life, they are not who I am. Just need to keep reminding myself of that.

And in the middle of all this, what happens. As the year changed, I got engaged. The house we're moving into is being renovated right now by my father. I have actually gotten the kitchen of my dreams. My lovely Hairy Harley Person drew me up a corner pantry in the style of old farmhouse ones, built the foundations and my father finished it. Its door was brought from the outbuilding of a house my Grandma used to live in and where I spent most of my childhood. The kitchen has white wooden floors. Open shelves on the walls, no cupboards at all.  A porcelain farmhouse sink and a wooden stove. Yes. Don't worry. There's an electric one as well. We are slowly moving in but as the house is old it will never be finished as some people think of ''finishing a house''. Everything's been done on the budget, no loans or such. But a lot of love has been put in that kitchen. 

So it would seem that there're a lot of good and lovely things happening around me as well. There are. I am thankful every single day for the people who have given their time and love. Their caring. That for every rude, judging person, for every selfish and insulting message from my ex-husband, there is a person who sees beyond the facade, a message from so many people that says ''we know what you've been through, you are not alone, don't turn out the light, don't give in, don't let yourself be caught in that web again'' that I keep on going. 

This was not a lighthearted post. Because my heart is not light right now. But life goes on, still.   All I'm saying is be thankful of the things that are good, pure and of love in your life because there is too much in this world that is none of those. Surround yourself only with that which gives you joy. Life is too short for anything else. Be not bitter. Even if you have to grind your teeth to do that and shout curses to the heavens, be not bitter.

Now that I look out of the window, the little diamonds have melted and dropped to the ground as water that in its turn melts the snow on the ground. And when that's done, the earth will laugh again. With flowers. Here's to hoping I will too, by then.